


take me back to the night we met

by moonlight_rain



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 06:58:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18493756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight_rain/pseuds/moonlight_rain
Summary: Calum wasn't supposed to get that name on his wrist, and he'll be damned it he was going to let it run his life.





	take me back to the night we met

“What time is it?” Zack said from the couch, his voice slightly muffled by the elephant printed pillow his face was nuzzled into. Calum jerked his head towards him. He cleared his throat and hunched up his shoulders. 

“Like 3am, Zack, go back to sleep,” Calum whisper-yelled. Zack didn’t see any problem with that so he turned over and pulled the blanket up his chin. Calum’s heart ached at the sight before shocking him right back into his current situation. He fumbled around the kitchen for his wallet. He needed to find it. Where the hell was it. He found it in the fruit bowl. Calum cursed himself, grabbed his coat and quietly left the apartment. 

It was raining. Of course it was. He thought to himself as he awkwardly walk-ran through the weather to the 24-hour walgreens a few blocks from their house. He tripped on a few tree roots and broken pieces of sidewalks before nearly falling into the sliding door. He got a few weird looks from the staff but it was 3:15 in the morning so they really should’ve been prepared for this situation. Calum awkwardly walked to the makeup aisle and looked through the foundation section. He vaguely recalled Mali dragging him to some make-up stores when he was younger so he knew what to look for but also he had no idea what to look for. There were like a billion different kinds and they all had different labels and colors. He took a random one that looked a little bit like his skin color and tested in on his hand. It was much lighter than he was. He internally groaned and continued trying all of them until he found the one most like it. 

Grateful for finally the smallest thing going right this evening, Calum grabbed a bag of chips so it looked like he was buying it for his girlfriend, of which he didn’t have, and then went up to the counter to pay. The twenty-something year-old looked at the purchase, and then looked at Calum, his hair wet form the rain, and a crazy, sleep-deprived look in his eye and took a wild guess. “You got the wrong name, didn’t you,” He said lamely. Calum looked up at his with a terrified look. 

“I don’t-i don’t know what you’re talking about,” He said, trying to keep his composure, he was already so close to losing it. The guy scanned his items and then looked at him with a deadpan expression.

“It’s three in the morning and you’re buying stuff to cover up tattoos for something. I’m going to guess it’s because you were born exactly 19 years ago about… 30 minutes ago. You’ve got a name on your wrist. And I don’t really think it’s the one you wanted. Plus, you’re buying chips for somebody at home because you feel sorry for them.” Calum opened his mouth to refute the claims but the guy stopped him with a look. “my brother dated you in high school, and he knew that you didn’t eat these chips.” He said, dark circles under his eyes. The guy pulled out a twenty dollar bill from his jeans, and bought the chips and foundation for him. Calum snatched the items from the counter without saying another word to him. “I’ll make sure to tell Zayn your life is over. He’ll appreciate it!” He called after him. Calum walked out of the store and into the rain. 

Calum took the long way home, walking around the main streets instead of taking them straight to his house. He needed a little bit of time to figure out his plan. He couldn’t have Zack knowing what he bought, or knowing that he ran out on his 19th birthday. He could get suspicious. If he covers it up long enough, Zack will think that it’s just waiting until Zack is also of age. Then when it turns out to be whoever it is, they can deal with it then. He doesn’t have to deal with the fact that Zack and Ashton are best friends for 6 whole months. Okay, it calmed Calum down a little bit. He searched around for his keys in his pockets before he remembering that he forgot them upstairs. Calum wanted to murder himself. Calum went through his head, who else had a key. Michael? No, he’s visiting his parents. Niall? No, he threw the keys in his face after the Zayn incident. Mali was in New Zealand. Calum grimaced, there was only one other person who had a key. The person Calum most wanted to avoid. He dialed his number. It picked up on the first ring.

_ “Hey Calum, I was actually-”  _ Ashton said on the other line. Calum’s wrist burned in annoyance. He hated everything. 

“I forgot my keys, can you come here and let me in?” He said shortly. The rain started to get harder and their piece of crap building didn’t even have an overhang to shield himself under. There was rustling on the other line, Calum heard the jingling of keys. 

“ _ Yeah I’ll be there in a few minutes. Calum-”  _ Calum hung up the phone. He just needed to get inside and fix himself up and find a good place to hide the make up before Zack wakes up. Plus, it was starting to get freezing. 

When Ashton finally showed up in his car. Calum was shivering harder than he ever had before. Ashton looked like he hadn’t been sleeping. He had probably been out. It was Saturday night, in his defense. He was wearing a black wool trench coat as well as tight black skinny jeans and a button up shirt  an outfit that made him look a lot wealthier than he was, after all they worked at the same bookstore. Ashton had even gotten Calum the job. The thought now made Calum want to throw up just from nerves. Ashton shut the door of his car and the headlights dimmed. Calum tried to stop himself from shaking. Ashton took note of the items in his hands. 

Ashton tried at a friendly smile but it looked forced and fake. Ashton's eyes were red and puffy. Calum’s stomach dropped, had he been crying? Calum looked at the floor. He didn’t need to think about Ashton’s feelings right now. Ashton got the message and just unlocked the door, before he turned the handle to let Calum in. 

“Calum I really think we should-” 

“No,” Calum said, cutting him off. He pushed open the door, ripping Ashton’s fingers from the lock, and slammed it behind him. Despite a small part of Calum that he hated with his entire being, Ashton did not open the door and follow him. 

 

Calum carefully opened and closed his apartment door, using the extra key under the doormat. He checked to make sure Zack was still peacefully sleeping on the couch. He was. He tiptoed into the bathroom and locked the door. He stripped out of his clothes and threw them in a pile. He started the shower and just let it run so if Zack woke up he’d think he was taking a shower. Calum fumbled opening up the container, almost dropping it onto the floor. If he did he would’ve screamed in frustration at just how badly this night was going. He hadn’t told Zack that today would be special. Calum had decided to work overtime and he had ended up just stocking shelves for hours. He had thought that nothing would happen, and then on Zack’s birthday once they were both of age they would officially be the perfect soulmate couple that knew even before they knew. He smothered the product on his wrist, smothering Ashton from his mind. The mark on his wrist burned as if he pressed hot coals against them, the more he tried to cover up the tattoo the more it burned.

“Oh shut up.” Calum muttered to himself, spraying it with a setting spray. He held up his wrist in the mirror and looked accomplished that he couldn’t see the name. The only downside was that he couldn't see any of the veins that were supposed to be there either. Calum turned off the shower, careful to not let the water touch his wrist. He gathered up his clothes, hiding the product underneath his damp shirt. He tiptoed past Zack and into their bedroom, he hid it underneath a few layers of Calum’s old shirts he never wore and Zack didn’t touch. He dumped his clothes in their overflowing laundry basket. He rifled through Zack’s assorted accessories and took a few wristbands, sliding them onto his left wrist. He then grabbed a pair of sweatpants, and went into the living room. Calum shook Zack’s shoulder. “Hey,” Zack turned his head, he looked at Calum through hooded eyes as if to ask him what he wanted. “I love you… So much,” He said quietly. 

“I love you too, Cal. Is everything alright?” He said, his eyes still partially closed and his lips moving slowly. 

“Everything is… perfect,” He said hesitantly. Zack didn’t seem fazed by it in his current state, and turned his head back to sleep. Calum stayed crouched there next to him, contemplating whether or not to ask him to come back to sleep next to him. He decided against it. He had already pushed it with waking him up when he was asleep on the couch. He often was as Calum would work late nights often so they could afford a little extra spending money. 

Calum walked back to their room, closed the door, and got under the covers. Zack must have washed them before he got home because instead of them smelling like his favourite boy in the world, they smelled like lemons and chemicals. Cheap and fake. Calum cradled his burning wrist and stared at the ceiling. What was he gonna do. 

 

Calum had ended up reading for hours about soulmate marks instead of sleeping. Turns out, that the more you tried to run from your soulmate, the more the mark would burn. It’s supposed to symbolize the pain you’re causing to your future and to your family and to whoever you’re with who isn’t your soulmate. It symbolizes emotional pain, and Calum has gotten really good at ignoring his and he doesn’t feel like now is the time to stop. The pain has dulled enough as the sun comes up but once Calum opens the door and spots Zack eating cereal at the tiny breakfast bar, it flares up again.  _ Quiet you!  _ Calum thinks to himself. 

“Happy Birthday, Calum!” Zack said with a mouthful of cheerios. Calum smiled at him and kissed him on the forehead as a thanks. “Any soulmate marks,” Zack joked, taking another bite of his cereal. Calum scoffed and shook his head. 

“‘Course not you dolt, the universe knows we’re meant to be together,” He said dramatically. The mark in his wrist seared, he thought it might actually burn through the wristbands. He must’ve made a face because Zack looked at him with concern. 

“Are you alright?” He asked carefully, Calum bopped him on the nose and nodded, forcing himself to ignore the pain, and just work through it. Zack looked at him skeptically before dropping it. “Okay well I have a big paper due tomorrow for my 1920s economics class which I haven’t start, typical me, but if I get  _ no distractions _ from you today, then I might be able to finish it on time and we can go out tonight.” Zack explained. Calum put the kettle on and turned back around to face Zack, crossing his arms against his chest. “I figured since it’s your day off you’d go to the gym and then you could hang out with Ashton or something,” Calum did a double take. 

“Ashton, why would I hang out with Ashton?” Calum said in alarm. Zack shot him a confused look. Truth be told, it wasn’t like Calum and Ashton weren’t friends, they’d been work buddies and would occasionally go out for drinks after a particularly weird day. They’d be civil whenever Zack invited him over. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Zack asked again, Calum nodded earnestly. “Well you don’t have to hang out with Ash, I just need the day, okay? I know it sucks and it’s your birthday, but this paper’s worth a lot of points and I need them if I want to get a good grade in his course.” Calum nodded again and agreed that he’d be out for the day until Zack gave the all clear. Calum pecked him on the cheek and went to gather his stuff for the gym. 

 

The next few weeks were the most anxiety inducing weeks of Calum’s life. He was terrified Zack would find out about the soulmate mark, so much so that he stopped showering at home, he’d only shower at the gym, which meant he would go to the gym a lot more than he used to. Zack didn’t seem to mind though, “I like this new, ripped Cal.” he’d said. Calum had let Zack do a lot of things to him that night but there was still a burning mark on Calum’s wrist and a pit in his stomach. 

On top of the things at home, work had become unbearably awkward. Calum wouldn’t even look at Ashton, and Ashton spent the entire time doing register, which Calum knew he hated. Everytime he would go into work, Calum’s wrist would burn, and his entire body would scream with pain. Every single time Calum just shoved it down, he just needed to get used to it, he would say to himself. If he just kept looking towards the future, a future with Zack, a future where Zack could go out and get the money and he wouldn't have to look at Ashton’s stupid face ever again. He could make up some lie about how Ashton was mean to him when Zack wasn’t around. Zack would never talk to him again. It would be perfect. He kept his eyes on the prize. 

Calum came home late one day in the middle of April. He had settled into a routine of dealing with the soulmate debacle. He would get up, either wait for Zack to leave for uni or wake up before him, put on the cover up, put on some bracelets go to work. He would dig his nails into his palms to stop the pain from getting worse. Ashton and him would give each other passing remarks, like “hello,” “goodbye”. He would come home either late or not and he and Zack would talk for hours about his schooling or their lives or just whatever. Until tonight. 

Calum got home late. The apartment was mostly dark, which led Calum to believe that Zack was asleep. He checked the couch, but Zack didn’t seem to be there. Calum dropped his backpack on the table and walked into their room. Zack was sitting on the bed. Holding the bottle of foundation and setting spray in his hands. Calum stood frozen in the doorway. He was crying. 

“You better be learning how to be a makeup artist,” Zack sniffed. Calum didn’t know what to say. How does he even approach this. Zack looked up at him with broken eyes. “Please tell me I’m overreacting, Calum.” Calum didn’t speak. His plan came crashing down. Zack stood up shakily. “Who is it?” He asked calmly. Calum shook his head. He couldn’t do that. Zack loved Ashton. They were the best of friends. He would need a best friend. “Calum, you better start talking right now before I kick you out of this apartment!” He yelled. Calum stayed silent. “Who is it!” He shouted, taking a step towards him. Calum winced. 

“It doesn’t matter, I love  _ you _ .” Calum said, attempting to steer him away. Zack shook his head. 

“No, if you loved me you would’ve told me months ago. You wouldn’t have lied, and you wouldn’t have filled my head with dead on arrival dreams!” Zack yelled. Everything Calum had told him. That in June everything would be finalized. They’d be able to get a house, in a few years Zack would be able to get a nice cushy job and Calum would be his house wife. Calum couldn’t even think of a way to respond. “What did you think would happen when I turned 19, Calum?” He asked hopelessly. “What did you think would happen?” He asked again. All of Calum’s dreams about Zack abandoning his soulmate for him seemed stupid and cruel now. Calum knew how much Zack believed in the soulmate system. How important it was to him and how he was just so  _ sure  _ that Calum was who he was meant to be with. It was all crumbling before his eyes. 

Zack grabbed Calum’s wrist and tore the bands off of his arm. Calum tried to fight him off but the searing pain from the soulmate mark was taking all his strength in order for him to fight it back. Zack grabbed the end of their blanket and started viciously rubbing on Calum’s wrist. “Zack you’re hurting me,” Calum said, tears brimming from his eyes. 

“ASHTON?” Zack screamed. Calum stumbled backwards onto the floor as Zack flipped around. Calum scrambled to his feet. “Our FRIEND, ASHTON?” He shouted. Calum pressed himself against the dresser. Zack was getting scary. Scarier than Calum had ever seen him. “I talked to him about you and how lucky I was to have you,” He said lowly in a disgusted tone. Zack felt filthy, and humiliated. 

“Zack, I did this so I could just find a way to break it to you when you didn’t get my name, so we would be-” Zack cut him off with the closing of his fist. Calum flinched. 

“You wanted to-to  _ lie  _ to me? For 6 months?” Zack said, his voice raising with each word. “IS this your idea of LOVE? CALUM?” He yelled again. Calum whimpered and shook his head. 

“No-No Zack I just wanted to-I just wanted to wait. Ashton is your friend, and I just wanted you to be happy and we were so happy can we please just forget this-”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He said lowly, he bit at his lip ring before slapping Calum across the face. “How the  _ fuck _ am I supposed to forget that my  _ boyfriend _ is eternally connected to my  _ best friend. _ ” He said. Calum held his cheek in shock. 

“Zack, you hurt me,” Calum said in a small voice.

“Well sorry,  _ Calum.  _ You just ripped my fucking heart out!” He yelled. He grabbed a vase that Calum’s mother had gotten them as a housewarming gift and smashed it just next to Calum’s feet. Calum was actually thankful he forgot to take his shoes off. “God, you’re so sick aren’t you?” He grabbed Calum’s marked wrist. “Has it been hurting a lot?” He asked with a mocking pout. “I bet you liked the pain, you fucking masochist,” He seethed. Calum’s lips quivered, he’d never seen this side of Zack. It terrified him. “I hope Ashton can satisfy your need for constant  _ pain.”  _ He dug his nails into Calum’s wirst, making Calum cry out. 

“Zack! Please stop!” He said, tears falling down his cheeks. He tried pulling his arm from Zack’s grasp but his body was still fighting off the pain from his mark. Zack’s unspeakable pain was draining him like a parasite. 

“Fine, I’ll let you go,” He said calmly. Calum almost sobbed in relief before Zack took ahold of his wrist and tossed him towards the door. Calum hit his lip on the handle and it immediately started bleeding. “Get the hell out of my house,” Calum scrambled to his feet and grabbed his backpack, running out of the apartment as fast as he could, praying that Zack wouldn’t run after him. 

Once Calum had gotten outside, almost fucking comically, it started raining. Cold, freezing australian winter type rain. Without even thinking, he dialed Ashton’s number. He picked it up on the second ring. “Ashton please come and get me, please come and get me I have nowhere else to go, please I know I’ve been so terrible to you and I’m so sorry please,  _ please  _ just come get me,” He rambled. Ashton just asked him where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. Calum told him and asked him to stay on the phone. “Why?” Ashton had asked. Calum looked back at the apartment building behind him. “I’m just scared,” 

Ashton rolled up to the curb and threw open the side door for him. Calum graciously got in and buckled his seat belt, ordering Ashton to immediately start driving before closing his eyes and going over the events of the night. “Oh my god, are you bleeding?” Ashton exclaimed loudly. Calum’s hand shot up to his mouth. Ashton swerved to pull over, and turned on the overhead lights. “Calum oh my god what happened to your wrists? And your face! oh my god!” Calum didn’t respond and pulled down the passenger side mirror. Turns out Zack did a lot more damage than he thought. There were bright red scratch marks on his face from when he slapped him, and there was blood coming out of his mouth like a scene from a movie, his lip was also bleeding just to top it off. And bruising red marks around his wrists. Calum immediately turned off the light and pressed himself into the cahir, trying to just wish away the evening. “Calum is that why you were scared?” He asked in the dark. “Did  _ Zack  _ do this to you?” He asked, appalled. 

“I deserved i-”

“No you did-”

“I lied to h-”

“No excuse!” 

“I filled his head with fever dream-”

“He shouldn’t have hi-”

“I just should’ve told hi-”

“ _ No.”  _ Ashton said firmly, turning on the overhead light. Calum froze, was Ashton going to get mad at him too? He put his hand on the door handle just in case. “Calum, I’m not going to hurt you,” He said gently. “You didn't deserve to get thrown around. Maybe you made a mistake but Zack can express his frustration in other ways.” Ashton said firmly. Calum’s phone started lighting up with texts from Zack. 

LOML: Calum I’m so sorry

LOML: We can work this out, I’m sorry I lost my temper there’s no excuse. We can work this soulmate thing out, I promise I won’t hurt you anymore. 

LOML: Calum, please. I’d die without you. I love you so much. 

Calum looked at the text messages. Rain pelted against the windows. “He’ll do it again, Calum.” Ashton said solemnly. Calum looked up at Ashton and didn’t say a word, opened up the car door and left. Ashton slammed his hands against his drivers wheel. 

 

Calum started to come into work with bruises and cuts. He would put foundation on top of all of them, and most just thought Calum was getting into make up, he would wear eyeliner every now and then just to smooth it over, but Ashton knew. Ashton knew what he was doing, and he was saying nothing. It made him feel dirty and disgusting. He was inadvertently doing this to Calum. Calum would come in with hollowed cheeks and sullen eyes. He would stare at the bookshelves like they would tell him what to do, how to get out of this situation with the boy he once loved and a new soulmate name. 

Ashton had always been very good at managing his pain, he would put all of it, into his workouts at the gym. All the emotional pain caused by the soulmate mark, went into the punching bag at a boxing class. Or into a 7 minute mile on a treadmill.  Or into his bike at a spin class. He had gone the self-destructive route, and it nearly killed him when he was 16. He wasn’t going to let that happen again. One day, Calum didn’t come to work at all. And Ashton knew he was supposed to because Ashton had to cover for him saying that he had picked him up for work only for him to throw up out of his window. 

Ashton couldn’t not check on Calum now that he was missing work. He knew Zack had a night class tonight, even though Zack had stopped talking to him. Ashton used his spare keys to get inside. “Calu- Oh my god,” Ashton cupped his hands over his mouth. Calum had a bad black eye. It was so puffy that his eye was closed. Calum looked mortified, and covered his face. 

“What the  _ hell _ are you doing here!” Calum seethed. He was whispering like it hurt to talk, and Ashton’s stomach dropped seeing the red marks around Calum’s neck. 

“Getting you the hell away from here, that’s for fucking sure!” Ashton whisper-screamed. Just in case Zack came home early. Calum shook his head.

“That’s exactly what Zack said you would say. I’m fine, Ashton!” He said defensively, still holding up a hand to the side of his face. Ashton almost found it impressive how manipulated Zack had made Calum. Almost. 

“Calum, people who are fine, don’t have to cover up half of their face because of something their partner did to them!” Ashton said, swatting away Calum’s hand. Calum immediately shrinked up. “Oh god, Calum. Calum, I’m so sorry,”

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t have yelled,” Calum said, looking at the ground. Ashton’s jaw dropped. “Can you leave, please. Zack will be mad if he catches you here,” He said quietly. It shook Ashton out of his trance. 

“No,” Ashton said firmly. Calum looked up at him with one wild eye.

“Ashton if you really are worried for me, you’ll leave. please, he always comes back 30 minutes before his class ends and if he sees you here he’ll get so angry. Please, Ashton.” Calum begged. He looked at his cracked phone and grew even more frantic. “Oh god, he’s probably already in the building. Ashton. He’s going to hurt you. Please, Ashton. Please leave!” Calum said, pushing him towards the door. 

“No! He’s not going to hurt you any more,” Ashton said seriously. 

“It’s different, I lied to him, I ruined his life, I broke his heart, Ash. It’s just pay back! Once it’s paid off he’ll stop.” Calum said. Ashton looked back at him.

“When will that be paid off, Calum? Or will he just keep prolonging it so he can keep controlling and beating you?” Ashton said loudly. Calum was about to respond when the door swung open. Zack froze in the doorway. 

“What’s going on?” Zack asked calmly, as if Calum wasn’t shaking in terror behind him. “Ashton, it’s good to see you.” Zack said with a smile, pulling him into a hug. Calum looked terrified. “I have to say, it’s a bit of surprise but what’s up? What’s the 411, betch.” Zack joked. Ashton stared at him, slightly horrified. Calum giggled slightly and Zack’s whole face lit up. Like it gave him all the life he needed in the world. It disgusted Ashton. 

“What’s going on is you, Zack. You keep beating up on Calum, it’s not okay, Zack. This is illegal,” Ashton said seriously. Zack crossed his arms against his chest and looked at Ashton like he just spat in his face. Calum winced. 

“Calum lied to me for months about the biggest part of his life,  _ our _ life. He made me believe in a future we’ll never be able to have thanks to you. He made me feel like dirt, Ashton.  _ Dirt.  _ Out of all people I thought you’d understand that I just have to work through some anger issues,” He said slyly. Rage in Ashton’s stomach bubbled up like boiling hot water in his veins. He wanted to punch Zack in the face. But he didn’t. That would make it worse. 

“You’re supposed to work out anger issues in group therapy, not on your boyfriend,”

“You think you can treat him better than I can? Would anyone want to be in love with someone who’s attempted suicide more times than they’ve had a boyfriend?” Calum’s eyes widened in shock. Ashton took a deep breath.  _ He’s not the Zack you knew. He’s sick. He needs help. _ He told himself. 

“You know I’ve moved past that, you know I’m better now.” Ashton said, steely calm. He couldn’t make a scene. Not in front of Calum. He didn’t deserve that. 

“Then let me get better, let me move past my issues. I’m working on it. Calum is helping me,” Zack said, putting an arm around Calum. Calum looked up at Zack like he hung the mood. He had great big shining eyes of appreciation and thankfulness. Ashton got a burning feelings. Not just from his soulmate mark, but also from the fact that he knew that the look in Calum’s eyes was based off of lies. Lies plain and simple, and Calum couldn’t see it. Ashton needed to think quickly. He needed Calum to see Zack for what he was. A manipulative monster.

“Well, if you’re so great, then how do you explain your failing grades?” It was a low blow. Zack had been struggling in his classes before he had his breakdown, and he had vented to Ashton about it and how he just wanted to do well for Calum. “Do you even go to the classes you’re taking anymore? Or do you just stay here, pretending you even have a chance of graduating to make your little dream come true.” Ashton said. Zack suckerpunched him in the face, Ashton fell onto the floor. Calum screamed in alarm, grabbing onto Zack’s arm. 

“Zack no! You can’t hurt him! You promised no more!” He cried. Zack just threw him back into the wall, and he crumpled like a piece of paper. Ashton slowly managed to pull himself up, his nose was bleeding badly. Ashton remembered what his boxing teacher told him,  _ you always have to stay calm, never let your emotions get the best of you _ . Ashton gave two punches to Zack’s stomach and punched him in the throat, then sweeping him onto the floor. Ashton yelled at Calum to run, and for once today Calum actually obliged. Ashton kicked him to keep him down and then sprinted out of the apartment. Calum was hobble running down the two flights of stairs. They rushed to Ashton’s car and Ashton practically threw Calum in the passenger's seat before running to the drivers side and hitting the accelerate as soon as the car turned on. 

Ashton set on the short drive to his apartment, all the while Calum was sobbing into his bruised hands. How could he have let this happen to himself. To Ashton. Calum had just abandoned the person who needed him most. He cried and cried, it was like the air was sucked out of his lungs. Ashton’s nose was bleeding onto his T-shirt and he barely noticed. 

He parked in his apartment building’s garage and basically had to carry a sobbing Calum out. He led them up to his apartment. Once inside Calum somehow started crying more, because he hadn’t been to another person’s house in what felt like months. Just to the bookstore and back home. Calum had been toyed with like a ragdoll and he still felt a tremendous loss by leaving Zack. Calum’s legs just stopped being able to hold themselves up and the two of them nearly fell over.

“Calum, buddy, I really need you to help me out here,” Calum just kept sobbing. Ashton took a deep breath. He couldn’t even begin to understand the pain Calum was feeling, he needed to remind himself of that. “Calum, we just need to walk you over to the couch, okay?” He said softly. Calum took a gasping breath for air and nodded his head. He threw an arm around Ashton and they walked all the way to his couch together. Then Calum collapsed, and curled up into a little ball and continued crying. Ashton touched his nose. Still bleeding. Wonderful. 

Ashton left Calum on the couch and went to clean up his face and put on a new shirt. Preferably one that didn’t have blood on it. When he walked back into the living room, Calum was clutching one of the couch pillows for dear life, and staring hard at the wall. Ashton nervously sat down next to him. Calum scooted away from him, Ashton sighed tiredly.

“I’ll cover your shift tomorrow.” He said quietly, putting his hands on his knees. Calum didn’t say anything. Ashton didn’t press him. He got up and started cleaning up his rather dirty apartment, he needed to regardless. 

 

Calum didn’t move from the couch for three days. If he did then Ashton hadn’t been around to see it. He refused to eat anything Ashton put in front of him and would only take small sips of a water from a glass. Sometimes Ashton would be woken up from Calum’s thrashing sleep ending with him on the floor and Ashton not being able to go to sleep again. Ashton would leave in the morning and tell him that he was going to be back as soon as he could. Every time Calum would just stare at the wall. 

On the fourth day, Calum cracked and stuffed a piece of toast with butter and honey on it down his throat and immediately threw it up. Ashton made him eat a small apple slice. He kept it down. 

On the fifth day, Ashton convinced Calum to take a shower. It lasted about an hour and Ashton cringed at the thought of the water bill. He would have to make a call to his mom. 

On the sixth day, Calum was able to eat two whole pieces of plain toast. Ashton nearly cried. 

On the seventh day, Ashton drove Calum to the bookstore. Ashton had to promise Calum that he wouldn’t leave his side in case Zack came to see if he was there. Calum came back to Ashton’s and only took a 10 minute shower. Ashton made an actual dinner. Calum ate almost half of it. But Calum still thrashed around in his sleep. Ashton wasn’t sleeping anymore. 

On the eighth day, Ashton sat by Calum on the couch and counted the hours Calum slept before he started mumbling and kicking the couch cushions. It was two hours. Ashton woke Calum up, Calum nearly punched Ashton in the face. Calum apologized profusely and backed himself against the (arm of the couch thing idk what it’s called lol). Ashton said it was fine and just told him he was having a nightmare. Calum swallowed and relaxed back into the couch. Ashton didn’t ask what it was about, he knew. 

On the ninth day, Ashton caught Calum staring at his mostly un-bruised torso in the mirror. He had poked at his prominent ribs and winced when his hands ran over a particularly large bruise. Calum then pulled on one of Ashton’s sweatshirts and Ashton ran out of the room, pretending to have been working in the kitchen.

On the tenth day, Calum laughed. They were in the car on their way to work when Ashton made a passing comment about someone who was wearing a bright polka dotted shirt. Calum had laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. And it wasn’t. Ashton smiled because Calum was laughing. He hadn’t heard his laugh in ages. He’d even been okay when Ashton went out for a quick drive out to welcome Michael home. Calum had declined to come with him.

The following week, Calum seemingly flourished. It was off putting for Ashton. Ashton knew Calums nightmares were getting worse, but Calum didn’t act like it. Calum would make Ashton a cup of coffee every morning and would choke down a piece of toast. Calum started calling him Ash, and he started smiling when he walked into work. While taking a much needed nap, Calum even took out Ashton’s guitar and played a few chords. Ashton only knew about it because he forgot to put it back. Calum was able to go work in the back without Ashton at his side. Which was fine. Ashton didn’t find it weird that Calum was trying to be more like his independent self. He just found it weird that he did it so abruptly. Everything else had been relatively gradual. Ashton wanted to be happy for him but he  _ knew  _ Calum was lying to him. He knew that he was scared. Ashton could hear it in Calums incessant mumbles at 3 in the morning. He could see it in Calum's eyes when he said a friendly hello to the manager. He could feel it in the occasional spike of pain in his wrist. Ashton didn’t want to push him. He’d been through enough, but he was worried what would happen if Calum kept this up. 

Ashton let Calum keep lying into the next weekend, when neither of them were working. Calum still made him coffee and was able to even put butter on his toast. Ashton offered to make him an actual breakfast but Calum declined. “I can do it just fine myself, thanks.” He’d said Saturday morning. Calum looked through Ashton’s bookshelf, filled with books from his first year of uni that he, obviously, didn’t follow through on. It wasn’t like he could afford it right now. Calum still pulled out a book on aesthetics of the 19th century and began reading it. Ashton had shrugged and put in ear buds and watched some random Netflix shows for the majority of the day. Before he even knew it, Calum slid a bowl of pesto pasta in front of him for dinner. Ashton scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion, he always made dinner. Calum ate ¾ of his bowl before going back to read another of Ashton’s books. 

It was that night when Calum finally snapped. Ashton had gone to bed early. He needed the extra sleep and Calum promised to go to sleep soon after him. Ashton went to sleep at 10 and he expected to wake up at at least 12 to calm down Calum. But it wasn’t at 12, it was at three in the morning that Calum started his nightly routine. But it was 10 times worse. He was thrashing around in his sleep as he always did, but he was talking now. Loud enough for Ashton to hear. 

“I didn’t do anything! I didn’t do anything I swear!” Calum cried. His voice was frantic and desperate. Ashton, shocked at the voices, though that Zack was actually here and burst through his bedroom door bleary eyed and terrified. Only to find Calum covering his face and crying out for Zack to stop. He had kicked his blankets off the couch and was shaking violently in terror. 

“Calum!” Ashton shouted in alarm, hoping to wake him up. Calum was tossing and turning over himself. 

“No, no no no no.” Calum said quieter. Ashton got close to him and nearly got kicked in the thigh. Ashton straddled Calum, holding him down flat. He held Calum’s arms down to avoid getting hit in the face. Calum’s entire body was covered in a thin layer of sweat. 

“Calum! Calum, you have to wake up!” He yelled, Calum's eyes flew open and Ashton nearly fell onto his back with how fast Calum pushed his legs up to shield his face. It didn’t work, thankfully Ashton was too heavy. Calum frantically took in his surroundings and relaxed his arms, he stopped fighting against Ashton’s restraining hands. Ashton let him go. Calum took shaky breaths in and out. He ran his hands over his face. Ashton was leaning over Calum’s long torso, his body resting just above his hips. Calum fell lax against the seat of the couch. He blew out long breaths and tried to calm himself down. It didn’t work. Calum started shaking and tears started to spill from his eyes. God, he was so tired of  _ crying _ . Ashton leaned down and pulled him up into a hug. Calum held tightly to Ashton’s body, and sobbed.

“I was so scared,” he cried into Ashton’s shoulder. Ashton stroked the back of Calums head.

“I know,” he said soothingly. He wanted to just tell Calum to tell him everything, that he should’ve told him in the first place. But Calum didn’t need to regret anything else. 

“Every night, he comes  _ every night. _ ” Calum said in between sobs. Ashton nodded and rubbed circles into his back. “I’m so  _ tired _ of seeing him, Ashton.” Calum said hopelessly. Ashton just held him tighter. Calum pulled away from Ashton’s embrace. He wiped his eyes. “He took everything from me, I didn’t realize how much I had lost until you went to welcome Michael home. I haven’t talked to Michael in  _ months _ , Ash. I-I don’t have any friends, I haven’t talked to my mom or my sister in ages. he talked me out of everything. I don’t even have an Instagram because he told me that it was all a ruse to lower my self-esteem. I don’t even know who I am anymore,” Calum hiccuped. “I don’t know what I like to do, or what I’m interested in I was so focused on his dreams I forgot mine!” Calum continued. Ashton held Calums face in his hands. 

“You can do whatever you want, Calum. You can call Michael right now if you wanted. He’s probably awake. He’ll forgive you in a second if you just explain what happened.” Ashton said sincerely. Calums eyes shone from tears. 

“You-you didn’t tell him?” He asked, clearly surprised. 

“It wasn’t my story to tell.” Calum nodded and bit his lip. “Calum, you can do whatever you want. You can start your Instagram and you can read whatever books you want. I can take you to the library tomorrow. I’ll teach you more guitar chords and You can call your mom. You can learn whatever you want this is  _ your _ life, Calum.” 

“Can I call Michael right now?” Calum asked shyly

“Yes!” Ashton said enthusiastically Calum smiled graciously. He got up and away from Calum and grabbed Calum's shattered phone from its charging cord by the TV. He tossed it to Calum and Calum went to his contacts. Michael had been deleted from his phone. 

“I don’t-I don’t have the number,” Calum said sadly, Ashton assured him it was fine and went to get his phone from his bedroom. Calum copied it into his phone and hit call. He got up from the couch and walked to the small balcony, Michael picked up on the third ring.

“ _ Calum? What’s up?”  _ Calum grinned as tears slipped from his eyes. But they were happy ones. 

“Hey Michael, I have a lot to tell you.” 

 

Michael and Calum cried a lot on the phone. They talked until the sun came up and Michael regretfully had to go to an 8am class. Calum had hugged Ashton tightly and thanked him. 

Ashton followed through on the rest of his promises. He took Calum to the library and Calum checked out 10 books on various subjects from the biodiversity of nature to the origins of Jazz music. Ashton helped Calum start an Instagram. Calum took a million pictures of the library. Calum had to buy a backpack to carry the books around Sydney. Ashton and him rented bikes and went to various spots in Sydney where Calum had never been and Calum started crying at everyone of them. Ashton bought a lot of water for him. As the day winded down,  Calum said that he wanted to go to West Sydney to visit his mom. Ashton offered to go home early and let him have the time with her alone

“No, I want her to meet you,” he said assuringly. Ashton had smiled widely at him. 

Calum's moms house was a small blue two story house in west Sydney, not too far from where Ashton had grown up. The paint was slightly faded and Calum froze before knocking on the door. 

“She won’t blame you, Calum.” Ashton promised him. Calum nodded and knocked on the door. When Joy opened the door, she immediately pulled Calum into a bruising hug. Calum started crying again and they held each mother for what felt like forever. Ashton smiled happily, and after a good few minutes Joy took notice of him. “Hi Ms. Hood, I’m Ashton,” he said politely. Joy laughed at him and let go of Calum and pulled him into a hug, surprising him entirely. Calum laughed. 

“Come in boys! Come it!” She said, holding the door open for the both of them. 

Calum told her everything, well mostly everything. He didn’t tell her about Ashton being his soulmate, but he said that once he had gotten a different name than expected it all went downhill. He didn’t go into details, he just told her that once Zack found out that he lied he got very angry and physical with him. Joy pulled him into her chest and cried with him. Calum said that he’d been living with Ashton since and that he’s been “very kind and very patient,” he didn’t mention the nightmares. 

They talked for a few more hours before Calum said that they should get home before it got dark. Joy nodded her head and kissed Calum's cheek and Calum went out to the car. 

“You’re the soulmate, aren’t you?” Joy said to him before Ashton could leave to follow him. “The one Calum tried to hide,” Ashton reluctantly nodded. There was no point to try and hide it from her. Joy took his hand in hers. “Thank you for saving my son, and please be patient with him, I can tell he loves you just as much as you do.” Ashton opened his mouth in retaliation. She had misread the situation, Ashton didn’t love Calum. Not like that at least. He was just taking care of him and helping him till he got on his feet. Calum barely even liked him. “Yes you do, I can tell,” she said smugly. Calum called out to Ashton. 

“Ashton! You coming?” 

 

Calum started using his employee discount to buy more books for Ashton’s apartment. Calum loved books. He liked escaping reality and he liked the stories. And he  _ loved  _ the ones where he would actually learn something. Calum would sometime throw in a related fact to whatever he and Ash were talking about whatever and he would smile about it, because he’d never felt smart before!!!! Calum still had nightmares though. and he still would flinch whenever Ashton would yell after stubbing his toe or whenever he would raise his hand to run his fingers through his hair. Little moments that would send shockwaves of fear through him. Ashton was getting better at just biting his lip really hard whenever he hurt himself. The last thing he wanted was to trigger Calum. 

Calum also bought a bike so he didn’t have to force Ashton to drive him places. He went and saw Michael a lot, and he would have long conversations with some particularly interested customers like he did way back when Ashton first got him the job. The only remnant of his current anxiety was that he never, ever, was out after dark. He told Ashton when he had a particularly bad night, that Zack liked to keep the lights dim or off, so he wouldn’t have to see Calum’s tattoo. Calum was excited to see and talk to everything. He would drag Ashton to different parks, libraries, landmarks on their days off. Calum’s excitement was contagious and it made Ashton want to try new things and learn new things. Ashton could see life returning to Calum in the way he would eat all of his food and then some; the way he would laugh at the little things Ashton would say. Calum might not be happy but he was better. 

Nights were so much harder though, as soon as the sun would dip below the horizon Calum would go quiet and then, without saying a word, turn on all the lights in whatever room he was in. It wasn’t that Calum couldn’t be in a dark room, it just made him anxious. Calum would sit closer to Ashton and Ashton would pretend to not notice to spare Calum’s dignity. Calum didn’t want to admit that he was scared, even though he could get really,  _ really,  _ scared. Calum’s nightmares varied from night to night, sometimes there were Zack getting mad at him, and others they were just Zack. The ones of normal Zack scared him the most. They scared him because he knew that it was a lie, but his brain told him it wasn’t. 

“Hey bud, you alright if I turn in early tonight? I’ve got the 7am shift tomorrow.” Ashton explained, Calum nodded weakly, there was something in him that knew tonight would be a bad night. Ashton had dealt with enough of Calum’s bad nights. Ashton stood up and ruffled Calum’s hair before going into his bedroom and closing the door with a soft click. Calum immediately stood up and gathered a pile of relatively small books he’d gotten at least half way through. He was going to finish them all tonight, and when Ashton left for work, then he’d sleep. That way if he had any nightmares, he wouldn’t bother Ashton. It was a great idea.

This was a terrible idea. It was 5 in the morning, the overhead light of the dining room was still on and Calum’s eyes wouldn’t stop closing. His eyes were burning with a need to sleep but he couldn’t. He knew tonights nightmares were going to be bad, he could feel it in his gut, and he couldn’t wake up Ashton, not when he had to leave so soon. Calum had no idea what he was even reading anymore, something about economics, maybe? All the words meant nothing to him and the names and dates all blurred together and he had to read a paragraph 8 times before he got the basic gist of any of it. He thought about just calling it a night and dealing with the nightmares but then Calum reminded himself.  _ You really want to see him now? When you just see him not now?  _ That logic was sound enough for Calum so he continued to force his eyes open to read the rest of his books. An hour later, Ashton came through the door, probably gotten the most sleep since Calum even got here. Calum reminded himself that Ashton didn’t mind Calum. They were soulmates he had to mind Calum. He got a bitter taste in his mouth. Soulmates. Ashton said hello to him and he pushed the thoughts away. 

“Hey you must’ve slept really well last night. I’m proud of you,” Ashton said with his back turned to him, turning the kettle on to make himself a cup of coffee. Ashton brought down two mugs. 

“Uh, I don’t want any coffee,” Calum said, Ash put one of the mugs back without a word. Calum pretended to read more of the book, acting like he could actually take in any information in his current state. Ashton bustled around the kitchen, making himself a piece of toast and munching it down before looking at the clock and nearly spitting it all out. 

“Fuck! I’m going to be late!” Ashton said in alarm, Calum winced at the yelling but Ashton didn’t seem to notice. He ran back to his room and got changed, grabbed the coffee and poured it into a thermos. Before running out of the apartment altogether. Calum got up and dragged himself to the couch and laid down, pulling the blankets over his exhausted body, and went to sleep.

Sleeping just confirmed Calum’s terrible idea was indeed terrible. He was in a hallway, his high school hallway. He was walking along, hand in hand with Zayn Malik. He loved Calum, but Calum didn’t love him back. Calum ended the relationship because he had eyes for someone else the whole time, Zack Messings. Zayn didn’t find out about the origins of Zack and his relationship until Zack let it slip to Niall months later at a bar. Calum broke his heart. Zayn shook his shoulders in the dream, “I was  _ kind  _ to you and you traded me for  _ him? _ An asshole with a fringe?” Calum shook his head, Zack wasn’t an asshole, he had dreams, he was kind and sweet to Calum. They were at their high school graduation, Zack threw his arms around Calum and kissed him. Zack wanted to get an apartment not far from his school with him. He told him about the things he could do for them. Calum was so excited for Zack’s real life he didn’t even think about what he wanted to do. He was in their apartment, what little furniture they had was from ikea and Calum had no idea how to build them. Zack had patted him on the head like a child. “Let the uni student handle it, Cal.” He had joked, Calum found it funny. 

“God, my mom keeps calling me, I’m not even living that far away from her! She needs to just take a chill pill,” Calum said, tossing his phone onto the couch and dropping his head on Zack’s shoulder. Zack reached over Calum and took the phone, and blocked the contact. 

“You’re off the grid, honey!” Zack had said triumphantly. Calum kissed him. Calum remembered to love kissing Zack, especially when he decided to get the lip ring. It was always cold and surprising no matter how many times he did it. Calum tossed and turned on the couch, this wasn’t right. He changed rooms. He was in his bedroom. Zack was sitting on the bed holding the coverup makeup. He suddenly charged toward Calum screaming at him. “You lied! You lied! No one will ever love you! You lied!” He screamed. Calum covered his ears with his hands. 

He woke up to a rapid knocking on the door. Disoriented, Calum fell off the couch, and scrambled to go open it. It was an old man, he was keeping himself up with a old mahogany walking stick, an ivory band wrapped around the handle. “Is everything alright, son? I heard screaming,” Calum felt sweat drip down his neck. 

“I get… night terrors,” He said, not exactly lying, the man didn’t seem to believe him.  

“Are you one of Ashton’s friends? I heard him leave this morning,” He looked at him skeptically. Calum groaned, someone probably thought he broke in. “Who are you…” He asked skeptically. Calum stuck out his wrist. The man read it and made an ‘oh’ shape with his mouth. Calum’s stomach did flips. 

“Bye,” Calum said, slamming the door in the man’s face. Calum hated playing the soulmate card. The image of Zack raging at him stuck in his mind really didn’t help. He could hear the screams in his head and it rang in his ears. He could feel anxiety rising in his throat.  _ No.  _ No breakdowns today, Calum ordered. He threw open the fridge to see a bottle of whiskey. Maybe no breakdowns, but a little whiskey never hurt. He grabbed the bottle. 

 

Ashton got home a little late that day, he had to pick up another shift just because he was still refusing to let Calum help with the rent. It had become necessary rather than just something that got him some spending money. He closed the door and found Calum on the floor, staring at the ceiling, an empty bottle of whiskey next to him. He was crying. Ashton picked up the bottle and set it on the table. 

“Calum did you drink this whole thing?” He said in alarm. Calum pinched his fingers together. 

“Hmmm mabe, mayee, maybe.” He slurred. Ashton looked around the apartment, it didn’t look that damaged which meant Michael hadn’t come over to help him finish the entire thing. Ashton pulled Calum to his feet, and carried him to the couch. 

“God, Calum what happened you were doing so well.” Ashton asked, rhetorically of course, he didn’t expect Calum to give even a remotely coherent answer. 

“Didn’t smeep,” He giggled and fell against the cushions. “Didn’t sleep.” He corrected himself, “But then you left so… I sept and then,” He blew a raspberry. Ashton didn’t find it amusing. Calum took notice. “Zack was in my dreams. Well… He’s always in my dreams, but this one is,” He blew another rasberry. “I ruined his life, I.. Zayn, Then he up and blocked my mom? I suck!” He said it with a huge smile. “I am the worst Ashton,” He looked up at the ceiling. “I’m the worst,” He repeated, Ashton crossed his arms against his chest. Calum losely grabbed onto Ashton’s hand and pulled it down. “Did you hear me Ashy! I Am The Worst, so you don’t need to- don't need to-” He gestured to all of Ashton. Ashton was really confused. “God, Ashton you’re so nice, and you… never yell at me and i really... like that.” He breathed out. Ashton scrunched his eyebrows together, not looking forward to where this was going. “I also really like your-your hair, it’s fluffy and nice. I wanna be fluffy and nice.”

“Calum…” Ashton said, taking his hand back from Calum’s grasp. Calum sighed. 

“‘M sorry that i drank ur alcool. That’s what they call it in french,” Calum giggled. Ashton tried to give a small smile to his very drunk friend. “And, ‘m sorry I always wake you up. I’m sorry that I’m scared all time and you have to deal with me. If you... was me, pft I’d be long gone. This is why you’re so much better than me” Calum pulled Ashton down to his face. “It’s why I’m the worst,” He whispered into Ashton’s ear. 

“Calum don’t say things like that,” Ashton said, walking to the kitchen and pouring him a glass of water. Calum followed him. “You’re just going through a lot, you’re not any worse or better than I am,” Calum tried to lean nonchalantly against the kitchen counter but knocked over a bowl of strawberries from that morning. Ashton picked them up and set them back in the bowl. 

“You should get mad at me,” Calum said, watching Ashton set the bowl back on the counter. Ashton just shook his head and helped Calum drink the glass of water. It had been a few hours since the whiskey bottle was finished. “Why won’t you get mad at me,”

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Calum,”

“What if I did something really really bad,”

“You’d have to commit genocide for me to get mad at you,” Ashton joked. He turned towards Calum to look for a drunken smile and instead was met with Calum’s lips on his. Ashton pushed at Calum’s shoulders. Calum pouted. “Calum, no. You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re doing,” Ashton said sternly. Calum whined. 

“Don’t you want to kiss me?” Calum said, pressing his lips to Ashton’s neck. Ashton pushed Calum away again. Calum pouted and tried to nuzzle his head in Ashton’s neck. 

“Calum.” Ashton said again. Calum seemed happier, and tried to kiss him again. “I just said no!” He yelled. Calum looked relieved. 

“Please get mad at me,” He asked with wide eyes. “Please just hit me, yell at me. You’re too  _ nice  _ to me, Ashton. I don’t understand it, please,” Calum begged. Ashton looked at Calum, horrified. He promised himself he would never buy alcohol for Calum ever. 

“I’m not going to hit you, Calum. And I’m not going to yell at you either, you’re drunk and you’re sad and you need to sober up.” Ashton said calmly. Calum frowned.

“I just need to kiss you, Ash.” Calum said, looking at him with big eyes. Ashton had to take a breath to keep himself from screaming. Ashton shook his head and patted Calum’s cheek. 

“You can kiss me when you’re sober,” Ashton said with a sad smile. 

“I want to kiss you now,” Calum whined. Ashton wanted to die more than ever. Why was god testing him like this. 

“Are you sober now?” Ashton asked, Calum shamefully shook his head. “Then no kissing for you,”  Ashton said, and walked right past Calum into his bedroom. Where he proceeded to scream into his pillow for four consecutive hours. 

 

Calum chugged an entire gallon of water in an attempt to sober up. He hadn’t ever seen Ashton look so disappointed in him. Ashton stayed in his room. Calum’s thoughts began to clear up as the evening turned to night. Oh my god, had he  _ kissed  _ Ashton? Calum had to sit down to think everything through. He covered his eyes with his hands, a hangover started to settle in. Jesus, he asked him to  _ hit _ him? God, how messed up was he? Ashton didn’t come out of his room at all and Calum didn’t like not seeing him, so he swallowed his pride and knocked on Ashton’s door. He heard Ashton’s footsteps walk up to the door and he quietly opened it. 

“I’m sorry,”

“Oh lord. That’s so kind, Calum, but please never say I’m sorry again,” 

“Fuck, right. Ugh, god I’m the wo-”

“Or that,”

“I’m so-” Ashton shot him a look. Calum shut his mouth. There was a moment of silence between them. Ashton raised an eyebrow as if to say, do you need something? 

“Can I sleep here? With you?” Calum asked, the words leaving his mouth before he had a chance to stop them. Ashton looked visibly skeptical. “This is very clearly not the weirdest thing I’ve asked of you today,” Calum said, thinking of his requests for Ashton to  _ hit  _ him. Thank god Ashton had seen him as the lunatic he was and didn’t take him up on it. “Ashton, I’m sober, and I don’t want to do anything else. I just want to sleep.” Calum said sincerely. “I never get nightmares when you’re with me.” Calum looked at him in a way that made him look sickly, and tired and like somebody who needed care and attention and lots and lots of sleep. Ashton opened the door wider for him to walk through and it was in that moment that Calum realized that he’d never seen Ashton’s room. Sure, he’d seen it from the living room, but he had never seen the photos of Ashton’s family plastered to the mirror; He’d never seen the packages of contact lenses sitting on the dresser or even the thick-rimmed glasses sitting next to them. Calum turned around to face Ashton. “You wear glasses?” He asked excitedly. Ashton humored him and took out his contact lenses and placed his glasses on his nose. Calum’s face lit up. He looked amazing. 

“I hate wearing them out. They make me look, like, eight years younger.” Ashton said, looking down at the ground. 

“One day you’re going to be glad about that,” Calum joked. He continued looking around Ashton’s room, all the little things that he had. There was a stack of philosophy books pushed to the corner of his dresser covered with a layer of dust. Calum looked back at him with a questioning look. 

“I was going to major in philosophy, I always liked the big questions.” He answered. Calum nodded. Calum had an idea forming in his head. But he didn’t want to ruin their already fragile moment. Calum sat down on the right side of Ashton’s bed, the clean side, the side Ashton didn’t sleep on. There was a picture frame of Michael, Ashton, and Zack just after Zack and Michael graduated. Calum held it in his hands. “I’ve been meaning to trash that,” he said taking it from him, and dropping it into the trash can. Something inside just snapped inside Calum. 

He had drunk an entire bottle of whiskey. He kissed Ashton.  He asked Ashton to hit him. All because he had a nightmare. He thought about the photo. Zack used to be good. Something changed. Something manifested. He didn’t want to be like Zack. He was going to be kind, and he was going to be selfless, and he was going to fix his goddamn life. But he couldn’t move. He was just… frozen. He laid back on Ashton’s bed. Ashton propped himself up against the pillows and grabbed one of the novels of his night stand that his brother had sent him. It was actually his mother’s pick, but Harry had written the gift card.  

Calum felt numb. He felt like he’d been hollowed out from the inside. Calum could hardly believe how much he didn’t know about Ashton. Ashton knew everything about Calum. He would ask him a million questions everyday and Calum would answer them all and then some. He felt gross and selfish for never even asking about Ashton’s family or learning that he wore glasses. Ashton never even complained about it. Calum hated himself. Who could be so selfish. There were so many terrible things floating around in Calum’s head. He wanted them to just  _ shut up _ . 

Knowing that sleep was out of the question for the time being. He sat up a little bit more and looked at Ashton. He looked at his thick hair that was starting to grow out past his ears and his black glasses that made him look like a teenager. He looked at his hands on the books pages and how they were so large but so delicate. Calum wanted to hold them. He looked at Ashton’s emerging stubble and the way Ashton would scratch it absently. 

“Stop looking at me like that.” Ashton said, snapping Calum out of his thoughts. Calum blinked in confusion, he tilted his head. Calum noticed how Ashton’s shoulders were tensed now, and his hands held tighter to the book in his hands

“Why not?” He asked, a smile tugging at the end of his lips, feeling a little giddy he’d actually psyched Ashton out. Ashton glanced at him before looking back at the pages. “You look at me all the time,”

“Yeah, but usually you’re looking back.” Ashton said under his breath. Calum situated himself so he could better face Ashton. 

“Then look at me,” Calum answered simply. Ashton sighed and shook his head, continuing to read his book. Calum stayed quiet for a few minutes, watching Ashton read. Ashton never turned a page. “You know, normally, how these things work is-” Calum leaned over and turned a page for him. “-you actually have to turn a page to read…” Ashton’s cheeks reddened and his mouth stayed in hard line while he nodded. Calum stayed right next to him, just in case he forgot to turn the page again. Ashton’s brain couldn’t focus on the page when he could feel Calum’s breath on his neck. Ashton hated this he felt like a girl in a bad romance movie. He cleared his throat and began to reread the top of the page. He could ignore Calum. He totally could. Then Calum rested his head on his shoulder and Ashton’s brain exploded. He had no idea where this was coming from, where the sudden confidence came from. “Read to me?” Calum asked, snapping Ashton back into reality. 

“Yeah, um, sure. Do you want me to start at the beginning? Or…” 

“Beginning, show me how it starts,” Calum said, adjusting his head on his shoulder. Ashton flipped to the first page. Ashton read the first few lines without any problems, then Calum started moving around to get closer to Ashton. His legs moved underneath the covers and he could feel them sliding down next to his. 

“S-Sprawled on the leafy banks of a creek, he wore a-” Ashton looked at Calum’s legs moving underneath the blankets. “he wore a tuxedo that was insufficient to combat the march chill,” Ashton’s breath hitched when Calum’s legs touched his. And he nearly slammed the book shut when Calum’s hand casually landed on his stomach.  _ What the fuck was happening?  _ “A wispy fog…. Hovered.. Sporadic…” His voice trailed off as he felt Calum’s eyes on him again. Calum wasn’t resting on his shoulder, but he was awfully close to him. “Calum I told you to stop,” He said feebly.  _ Please don’t stop _ was the only thought on his mind. 

“Good thing I’ve been really bad at taking no for answer today,” He answered with ease. Ashton just stared back at him with wide eyes and red cheeks, having no clue what to say next. Ashton had never seen Calum look so calm, so in control since he moved in. It made him so insanely happy and so insanely confused. Ashton was the calm one, the one who held Calum down to earth and eased him after nightmares. He helped Calum. Now that he was the one freaking out and stuttering and being so unable to focus Ashton was at a loss. Complete and total loss. Calum was looking straight into his eyes and Ashton felt so  _ weird _ . He couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. Probably good. It was good. 

In a split second decision Calum leaned forward and kissed him. He kissed him softly and slowly with a hand on Ashton’s neck. It a second for Ashton to fully comprehend the situation but when he did he kissed back. Calum threw his leg over Ashton and sat in his lap, pressing Ashton into the headboard. Ashton’s hands ran under Calum’s shirt, over his sides. A shiver went up Calum’s spine when he felt Ashton’s hands ghost over his ribs. Calum could suddenly feel everything again. He could feel the anger and the anxiety in his soul but he could also feel the happiness and the light too. He could feel it in Ashton rough-to-the-touch hands and his soft lips. He could feel it in the way Ashton laughed a little when Calum pulled away to get air. He could feel the hope beginning to blossom in his heart when Calum peppered kisses along Ashton’s jaw and down to his throat, and Ashton had squirmed under his lips. Calum nipped at the skin just below Ashton’s ear and Ashton let out a small sigh. Calum smiled into his neck and left small little bite marks down to his collarbone. Each one taking a little longer, and driving Ashton a little more wild. Ashton seemed to want to hold onto the little control he had left over himself, and Calum wanted to take it anyway. Calum wanted to be the one that made Ashton breathless. 

Without missing a beat, Calum took Ashton’s hands from his sides and pressed them down into the bed. “Calum…” Ashton said, Calum cut him off with a kiss on the lips. Ashton shut up. He moved back down to Ashton’s neck and tried to find his soft spot. Ashton seemed proud that Calum initially couldn’t find it. Until he did. Ashton made a guttural sound in his throat and turned his head to the side, giving Calum better access. Calum bit at it and kissed it and Ashton squirmed around underneath him. Calum detached from his neck and he moaned in annoyance. Calum let Ashton’s arms go and kissed his lips again. Ashton was like silly putty in Calum’s hands. He arched his back to let Calum wrap his arms around him and Ashton’s eyes nearly rolled back into his head when Calum grinded his hips into Ashton’s. Ashton, involuntarily, let out a shaky, high pitched whimper when Calum stopped. Calum giggled and Ashton’s face heated up with embarrassment. He shouldn’t be acting like this. He’s supposed to be able to control himself and- Calum rolled his hips against his and Ashton literally couldn’t think. Calum laughed at his pliantness. He’d never have that Ashton could be like this, and yet here he was. “Don’t… Don’t laugh at me,” Ashton said in between breaths. Calum hummed and kissed his neck. “‘M just-” Calum rolled his hips again and Ashton, with his mouth open, trying to speak, audibly gasped. Calum sported a grin at his effect. “I’m just ng-,” Ashton tried again, Calum sucked on Ashton’s soft spot. “I’m just-” He started again, Calum pulled off Ashton’s shirt and kissed down to his belly button. Ashton groaned in frustration. Calum came back up and fiercely kissed him, grabbing fistfuls of Ashton’s hair and playfully nipping at Ashton’s lip. Ashton’s hands, in comparison, were so much softer than Calum’s harsh grips on his head. They slowly trailed up Calum’s back, feeling his shoulder blades and his spine, go up his neck and into his hair. He didn’t intend to do hold onto Calum’s hair, it might hurt him. That was, until Calum rolled his hips again and Ashton’s hand tightened into Calum’s raven hair and jerked his head back in surprise. Calum groaned and threw his head back into Ashton’s hand. Ashton giggled to himself, he found it.

“Mmm.. Don’t laugh,” Calum said from above him. Ashton just grinned. Calum regained his bearings and pulled Ashton’s hands down from his head, and left them on his waist. “You don’t get to do that,” He mumbled into Ashton’s mouth. 

“Don’t I?” He said back. His hands snaking up through the back of Calum’s neck and softly pulled on Calum’s hair. Calum pressed Ashton back into the pillows. 

“No, you don’t,” He said finally. Trailing his kisses down Ashton’s torso. Ashton nodded in agreement. No he really didn’t. Calum reached the edge of his sweatpants and looked up at Ashton, who nodded. 

Ashton died. He literally died. Calum was a whirlwind of lips and tongues and whining noises that made Ashton shake. At one point Calum grabbed Ashton’s hand and put it at his head and Ashton pulled and tugged and yanked Calum’s hair in a million direction. He was squirming and pressing his head back into the pillows until he finished. Calum swallowed. Calum snapped Ashton’s sweatpants back up, making Ashton flinch in surprise. Calum was so…  _ pleased  _ with the way Ashton looked. Sweaty and breathless with stars in his eyes and swollen lips. Calum did that. Calum made Ashton crumble in his hands like a house of cards. 

Calum slowly crawled up Ashton’s body and kissed him again. Ashton sat up straighter and pulled off Calum’s shirt, Calum giggled and wrapped his arms around Ashton’s neck, holding him close. Ashton put his hands under Calum’s thighs and switched positions. Calum was laying flat on his back with Ashton on top of him holding his face tightly in his hands. Then Ashton pulled away, he left a trail of hickeys down Calum’s torso. Ashton was about to ask him if it was okay but Calum cut him off. 

“ _ Please,”  _

Ashton was the exact opposite of Calum. Calum teased. Calum would nip and giggle and make Ashton want to scream out in frustration. Ashton was straight to the point and completely overwhelmed Calum. Ashton learned why Calum didn’t want Ashton above him. Calum was loud. Calum was really loud. Calum would groan and moan and whenever Ashton did something fancy Calum would whimper and mumble Ashton’s name. Ashton reveled in it. Ashton did everything he could to elicit sounds from him. Twist his hands, twirl his tongue,  _ anything _ . Right before his high Calum was panting and moaning out Ashton’s name in a high pitched voice that made it sound like he was begging. Begging Ashton for a release, for his mouth. Ashton lived for it. When he was done and Ashton swallowed, Calum groaned and pulled him up to his face, kissing him passionately. 

“Some first kiss,” Ashton mumbled into Calum’s ear, tugging on Calum’s earlobe with his teeth. Calum threw his head back laughing and kissed him again. 

“Some first kiss,” He agreed. 


End file.
